The Avenger's Handler Guide
by stark18
Summary: After Coulson had been assigned to lead a new group of SHIELD agents, a new handler is needed for the Avengers. However, some basic learning about the team is necessary, and who better to teach this than Coulson himself?


"So, you all signed up for what you believed to be the best and most fun job offered here at SHIELD, huh?"

Today was a very important day for trainees who had just graduated from the SHIELD academy. They were about to get assigned a job that would determine whether their life would be full of adventure, or if it would be a living hell.

Coulson stood in front of the now-full room located in the helicarrier. Fury had assigned the group of "Avenger-Handler wanna be's" to the most experienced man, who happened to work directly with the superheros. After the entire New York fiasco, more and more SHIELD agents also wanted to work with the Earth's mightiest heroes, not being aware that they were in fact the biggest pains in the asses...ever. Coulson could only assume that these groups of SHIELD graduates thought that they would be able to just hang out with, what they seemed to believe, the best people in the world. However, new handlers were needed as Coulson was assigned to help direct a group of special SHIELD agents in the right direction (and that's a story in itself.)

"Well, sorry to break it to you all, but it takes a great deal of patience… and a whole lot of anger management classes to handle the Avengers," Coulson continued with a straight face. "I know what you're all thinking. 'Wow, if I get this job, I'll be set for life. I mean, c'mon! It's the Avengers!'"

"Let me start off by saying that this job alone has shaved off a good ten years off my life. This job not only entails dealing with the massive amounts of paperwork that comes along with the Avengers, but babysitting a bunch of children trapped in the bodies of adults." This earned a lot of confused faces, as well as smiles from some of the more immature graduates.

"So, today, I'm going to start with what you should all know about the Avengers before you start any field work. And later, if you prove yourself to be able to handle the task, you will shadow me during one of the Avenger's training simulations. I suggest that you pay attention, because this will determine whether or not you are mentally and physically prepared for this job."

Coulson pulled up his SHIELD-issued laptop, and a projection appeared on the wall in the front of the room, and all eyes fell upon it. A picture of Captain America was on the wall, and you could see Phil physically perk up, almost as if he was a kid on Christmas. "Steve Rogers, the leader of the Avengers, is the perfect person to start with. He is a natural leader, and he is very respectful towards his peers, especially his superiors," Coulson stated with a smile. "However, he can be very stubborn because as I said before, he is a leader and wants things to go the way he envisions it to."

One student raised his hand, "I have a very important question." Coulson gave a sharp nod and the student continued, "will we be able to touch the shield?" Coulson looked at him with a scowl before stating, "Well, why don't you try and see how he likes it?" The student, thinking he was funny, looked down and didn't say anything for the remainder of the seminar.

"As I was saying, Cap will probably be the easiest one to talk to, so if you happen to get the job, he would be the one to go to with any questions. It is also important to recognize that he had a troubled past. Being from the 40's, he is still unfamiliar with 21st century references. Also, please be considerate and not bring up his past, which I'm sure you all know from previous classes. With that being said, let's move on."

Coulson pressed a button on his laptop and a picture of Bruce Banner and his alter-ego appeared. You could see some of the student's features drop with either fright or curiosity. "Bruce Banner, an expert in nuclear physics and best known for his work with gamma radiation, is an important aspect to the team. As himself, he is able to solve problems even our top scientists can't figure out, and when the other guy comes out, he is definitely a force to be reckoned with. He tends to stay out of the spotlight and keep to himself, as it is necessary to remain calm to prevent...well, I think you all can figure that out." The nodding of the majority of the group's heads told Coulson that it was alright to continue. "If any of you even think about provoking him, you will stand no chance in trying to find a job _anywhere_ , as long as I can help it. And that's if the Hulk shows you mercy," giving the group a warning glare, he pressed the button on his laptop, and pictures of Agents Romanoff and Barton appeared on the wall.

"Believe it or not," Coulson continued, "this pair of master assassins sat where you are now. Originally, they were first recruited as Agents, and eventually got to where they are now, living life as superheros." The faces of some of the students lit up, and Coulson could see that they believed that if they put the effort in, they could also possibly become heroes. One student raised her hand, "Is it true that Barton was recruited to actually kill Romanoff?" Many raised eyebrows informed Coulson that the group was curious in whether or not he would reveal this sort of information. However, he opened his mouth, hesitated, but went on to say, "Let's just say, we are very lucky he decided to…how should I put this, do what he believed was best for both SHIELD and himself."

Seeing as this answer sufficed, he moved onto the next picture that showed a brawny, muscular god. "We were very lucky to have been able to create an alliance with Thor. Being from Asgard, we don't have the opportunity to contact him as much as we would like, but we jump on any chance we have." Coulson realized that the majority of the girls in the room were still staring at the god's picture for far longer than expected, so he added, "Jane Foster had established a relationship with him, so for most of the time he is on what he calls 'Midgard' he is either visiting his girlfriend or with his teammates." Seeing most of the said-girl's faces drop with disappointment, he went on to talk more about the Thor, and went into little detail about Mjolnir.

With a long sigh, and a roll of his eyes, Coulson pressed the laptop button for the final time and a picture of the self-proclaimed 'genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist' appeared. Coulson gave another long sigh as the many of the students had smirks planted on their faces, waiting for Coulson to continue with the seminar. "I don't even know where to begin with Stark. Stark himself caused almost all of the stress that is packed tightly inside me from all my years of working with the Avengers. He has a mind of his own and _enjoys_ causing stress for not only me, but everyone in SHIELD. So even if you don't get the job of being a handler, you will still most likely run into Stark at least once in your career. Whether that's trying to stop him from hacking into our systems or, as much as I hate to admit it, negotiate deals with him and his company."

Coulson knew that making deals with Stark only boosted his ego, and hated to make deals with him for that purpose. Even though that these deals have put SHIELD ahead of any other organization technologically by a couple decades, it still sucks to have Stark remind you every day. "Stark assumes that he is the most important man in the world, and tends to disobey orders as much as he can, so the only advice I can give you is to let Cap handle him."

With that, he closed his laptop and with a wave of his hand, dismissed the class and walked out. On his way out, all he could think was how foolish it was for these SHIELD graduates to think that being the Avenger's handler would be a piece of cake and chuckled to himself before going to talk to Fury…


End file.
